A Growing Number of People Rejecting the Theory of Gravity

WJSDB,S Gains momentum in a hysterical nation

The new way of things?Out with the old? The two competing texts. On the left, the new, radical views of WJSDB,S and on the right, the classic tome of knowledge handed down from the academic heavens. Jane Greenoff started Cross Stitching after she failed as a professional Graviton in the Queen's Royal Gravitation Society.
In a nation filled with hysterical masses, it should come as no surprise to PBBBS loyal readers (PLR's) that a growing number of hysterics are beginning to reject Newton's Theory of Gravity (and to a far lesser extent, Einstein's General Relativity, mainly because the hysterics don't associate General Relativity with gravity). The alternative 'theory' isn't so much a theory as a movement by the name of We Just Stay Down Because, Stupid (WJSDB,S).

Hype or Law?

Sir Isaac Newton formulated his theory of gravity after failing as a professional cross stitcher in the Queen's Royal Cross Stitching Society.
This movement gained momentum (of course, WJSDB,S-ers would deny the existence of momentum as well as gravity) when a distraught school teacher (who had recently been laid off for refusing to teach Creationism and maintaining that the only true theory pertaining to the existence of everything was that of Cross-Stitching, as laid forth in Greenoff's epic, The Cross Stitcher's Bible) realized that there were inherent flaws in Newton's Theory of Gravity, and formulated the teachings of WJSDB,S in a handwritten* pamphlet that was quickly multiplied by the good folks at Kinko's Copies and spread through the land by the power of ignorance and the Internet machine.

Gravity or Genius?

Albert Einstein refused to become embroiled in the war between the cross-stitchers, WJSDB'S-ers and the Gravitonians, and instead formulated a more complete theory of gravity under the formalism of General Relativity.
The basic argument of the WJSDB,S movement is just that: We Just Stay Down Because, Stupid. A person of larger than average carriage was heard to remark "who is Newton to say that my mass is attracted to the mass of the earth, more than say some skinny bean's mass?" The distraught school teacher, who granted MSNBC an exclusive interview, remarked that "gravity is a fairly obvious thing...who needs equations and such nonsense, when it is immediately obvious that we just stay down because we do!"
Crusty old equations, outdated in today's fast paced world?Could this be the new science of why we stay down? Competing theories on why we stay down, and what it means for your children and stocks.
Very little attention has been paid to the fact that many of the basic teachings of gravity agree verbatim with those of Greenoff, simply under a different guise. For example, the idea of heavenly bodies orbiting each other, has been a common theme in cross-stitch circles for years. Newton was unavailable for comment, as was Einstein. Greenoff wouldn't return our calls and the distraught school teacher seems to have vanished into Georgia's famous Fat Air (patent pending). Until this issue is resolved, hopefully through some sort of media circus, expect your young ones to learn the fine art of cross-stitching side-by-side with the elegant equations of Newton. *PBBBS's Prize Patrol has awarded this run-on sentence the Run-on Sentence of the Year Award on this magnificent day of our Lord 30th of August in the year of ...

Learn More

Both of the scientific texts referenced in the article are available at your friendly local independent bookstore, or below:
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